My Journey Through Depression

I posted on my facebook a while back asking people if they've had a revelation lately. Well, I'm going to share a little about my revelation. I went to the doctor recently to find out what was wrong with me. I sort of thought maybe I was depressed, but thought surely there was something else wrong. I didn't have all the classic depression symptoms, so surely that wasn't really the case. The doctor ran blood tests and some x-rays and everything checked ok. So, on Zoloft I went. I started my treatment last Wednesday. I'm only a week into it and I can already tell a huge difference.

It's funny to me how our minds can play tricks on us. Before starting Zoloft I wasn't 100% sure I was depressed. But, now that my mind is a little clearer I can see plainly that I am. Now I have no doubt I've been in a depression for over a year now. Depression can be different for everyone. Mine pretty much made me a sloth who didn't really care about certain things. The prospect of visitors was scary because my house was in complete disorder. My school work suffered completely. My relationship with Matt suffered too because I didn’t have the energy to do anything fun. My body ached all over and I was tired out very easily.

So, I’m keeping this blog up a little just to journal my walk through depression therapy. For now I’m just taking Zoloft. So far it seems to be just what I needed. This week I’ve actually been very busy at home without even realizing it. Tuesday night I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned off my desk and washed clothes. That’s normal you might think, but for me that was amazing. I didn’t even have to force myself to do them, I just did them. Last night was very similar. I cleaned off my patio and enjoyed watering my plants for the first time in a long time. Did you notice that word…enjoyed. I enjoyed something for once and didn’t view it as a chore.

Week one down and already I’m feeling better and getting active! God is Awesome!!!

Childhood

I remember years ago when Michael Jaskson and Madonna were what my childhood friend and I danced and sang to. I was listening to some news clips on CNN. They showed a clip of an interview of Michael Jackson where he asked people to listen to his song Childhood. He begs for people to understand him. I am saddened to wonder if he ever met the God who completely understood him. The One and only being that truly loved Michael for who he was created to be. Read the lyrics below. I pray that these words may never be uttered by anyone else and if they are, I pray that someone will come into their life and show them the truth about the One True God.

Childhood
Written and Composed by Michael Jackson.
Produced by Michael Jackson.

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood (Childhood) I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
But the dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood....

Turn Around

There is so much power in a thought. One negative thought in the morning can make your whole day seem meaningless. Can you relate?

I'm listening to songs by Francesca Battistelli. The first song I heard was Free to Be Me and I was thinking how I could really feel the dents and rips she talks about in that song. But, the next song was I'm Letting Go and it reminded me of how important my attitude is. I've been sitting at work most of the day feeling old, feeling blah, and feeling like I didn't want to be here at work. Just listening to the upbeat sound of her music reminds me how blessed I am that the Holy Spirit lives within me! I don't have the power on my own to change my feelings or circumstances in life. But, I don't have to rely simply on my own power! I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT INSIDE ME! :)

I love to visualize myself turning 180 degrees around...away from my sin, away from my attitude, away from my circumstances and right in the presence of God. I don't have to physically move to be closer to Him or be in front of him. It's simply turning my focus on Him. See, He is all around me and in me. But, until I change my focus I can't feel or notice Him.
Do you notice God working in your life, or helping you with what you’re dealing with right now? If not, maybe it’s time to refocus, turn around and look at Him and ask Him to help you, to hold you and to love you. He is right there waiting.

God's Will

I've been listening to the new Matthew West CD, Something To Say. One song really got my attention. I'm going to put take the lyrics and put them in my own words here to relay this message. The song speaks to me, but the lyrics for the song are a little crazy. It's different if you listen to it. Here it goes. If you google "MATTHEW WEST THE CENTER LYRICS" you can find a web page that has the song on there.

THE CENTER (my altered version.)

I got a feeling as a matter of fact, It’s like my whole world just came under attack!
And I hear a voice tellin’ me to turn back, because I must be onto something.
It happens every single time I get close to Everything I know is good and right and so true.
It’s like somebody doesn’t want me to love You, And I must be onto something.

So help me hold on, and Help me be strong.
Because I don’t wanna move unless You move me!

I wanna know how it feels to be standing in the center of Your will for me.
I wanna know what surrender means. Keep me in the center of Your will for me.

God forbid I start to think I’m on a roll now, because I do believe there is a battle for my soul now.
And I can feel the world fighting for control now.
I must be onto something.
So help me hold on just a little bit longer, because all this struggle’s gonna do is make me stronger.
This is the everyday prayer of my heart, I just wanna stay where You are.

I wanna know how it feels to be standing in the center of Your will for me.
I wanna know what surrender means. Keep me in the center of Your will for me

~ ~ ~

Something I'm wanting is to be right in the middle of God's will for my life. That's so hard to do. It's also hard to remember that His will for my life can be very different for His will for someone else. What He's called me to do may not be what He's called you to do. That makes life hard!

What If

What if all you know life to be was over in an instant. What if you woke up one day and couldn’t speak and couldn’t move. You’re not dead, but you feel that you might as well be. You can’t care for your children, you can’t work, you can’t go to church, and you can’t talk to your best friend and tell her what you’re feeling. Basically, everything you take for granted is useless now. Nothing is as it was, nothing is as it should be, and nothing seems to be the word that describes you now. All that is around you is different, but God is still there. He is the only one that sees your tears, He is the only one that knows what you’re feeling, and He is the only one you can communicate with.

I think that is where God wants us sometimes. We tend to reach out to Him most when things around crumble. If everything is removed from your life, you have nothing more to do than to speak to Him. Notice, that’s really all you can do at that point. But, don’t you think God wants to talk to you now also, when your life is good, or normal? More than you know.

Need some encouragement right now or a push to get closer to God? Go watch the three part documentary on Matthew West’s blog. You’ll have to scroll down to watch each part in order.

Mother's Day

I had an amazing Mother's Day! We spent the day with my family. My great-grandmother was there and looked AMAZING! (I'll have to add pictures later.) I am always inspired to see her. She had all odds against her being the longest living MD Anderson Brain Cancer Surgery survivor! She might not get out all the words she wants to say...but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a lot to say! It would be amazing to hear her stories if she was able to share them.

I'm back

Well, I'm back on the web with more than ever to share. Well, not really...but just thought I'd get back on here. I've been going through a lot the past year and kinda in my own little shell. I just figured it might be time to open up again. It's usually healing and helpful.

So, today is National Day of Prayer. Did you know that? If you listen to Focus on the Family you wouldn't have missed it. Yesterday they showed the most amazing prayers of a few children. It broke my heart to hear these little ones raise their voice up to God. Isn't that what we're suppose to be doing? My prayer today is that revival would spread all over America. I pray for personal revival because it starts individually. It starts in my heart! It starts in your heart! I'm guilty of asking God to bring me closer to Him, to help me feel Him. Do you know what He wants me to do? He wants me to come closer to Him. (not the other way around.) He's already right next to me...I'm just not reaching out to Him.

My goal for the rest of this year is to journal my walk with God. I pray that it inspires you, I hope it connects with others and I hope it opens discussion for others to share a little of what they are going through too.